Lesson #6: So much to be thankful for

Ellie has given me a new reason to be thankful this holiday season. 

My house smells like pumpkin, but I'm not in a very festive mood. It's midnight and my Thanksgiving baking has just begun. It's not as easy to find time to cook with a squirmy 6-month-old in your arms. (It's really not easy to find time to accomplish anything with a 6-month-old in your arms, but I'm learning.) So, I'm doing my holiday cooking now that she's in bed. As I stick a loaf of pumpkin bread in the oven, I think about how I wish I could just go to bed too.

The pumpkin smell takes me back to last Thanksgiving. It was early in my pregnancy and that smell made me feel so sick. Life was quickly changing then and we had no idea what to expect. Ellie was about the size of a small peach this time last year. How much can change in one year!

We unpacked our Christmas decorations today and I found the tiny red and green stocking I hung for her around this time last year. I remember wondering what kind of stocking would take its place. At that early time in the pregnancy I was so scared there wouldn't be one at all. But, fast forward a year and a big, pink stocking hangs in that spot. And my healthy little peach is now closer to the size of the butterball we'll have tomorrow.

I always felt I had a lot to be thankful for on Thanksgivings in the past. I had my health, my work, my family and my fiancé. But, I've never had as much as I have this year. Every single day that she wakes up healthy I have another reason to be thankful. And when the family's Thanksgiving table grows by one high chair this holiday, I won't forget how blessed I am to have her here.

While midnight baking might not be my favorite, it's a small sacrifice to pay to have my own sweet turkey to celebrate with this holiday season. 

Lesson #5: Everything has changed

Ellie let me torture her with a little Halloween photoshoot. I used to hate that holiday, but I had so much fun celebrating it with her this year.

I had a moment recently that made me realize just how much having a baby has changed my world. It's difficult to explain the feeling to someone who hasn't experienced it and in attempting to do so, I realized just how much I've changed since Ellie's arrival. From the smallest things, such as family gatherings and holidays, to the way I prioritize and view my world, there is no part of my life that Ellie's presence has not altered.

I was attending a wedding of an old friend of ours a few weeks ago. I knew only the bride and groom. Because my fiance was in the wedding party, I was on my own for most of the ceremony and reception. I had left Ellie with my parents and found the wife of another groomsman to keep me company. This was my first time being so far from Ellie for such a long time. The woman had no children and I quickly realized that she was not at all interested in hearing me talk about mine. Fair enough, I thought, as I obsessively checked my phone for updates on my baby. I was careful not to talk about her too much.

Then, seemingly out of nowhere, the woman struck up a conversation with another guest at our table on the topic of having children. "Maybe I'm selfish," she said. "But I just think I have bigger priorities." He agreed and they laughed when they talked about how awful life must be for those poor people who are stuck taking care of children. I obviously wanted no part of the conversation and tried to hide in my phone. I was silently fuming when she turned to me and pulled me into their discussion. She said that she just couldn't imagine having to get herself and another person dressed in the mornings. Was that selfish of her, she asked. And, she pointed out, kids are a big commitment. yes, I told her, having a child is a huge, life-changing commitment. "Was it a commitment you actually wanted?" She asked me this in a sad, sympathetic sort of way, as if poor me had caught this terrible flu or something. In a kind of shock at this stranger's question, I stumbled over my words as I tried to put together a good response. I hadn't made it very far in before the two lost interest in my answer.

I thought about that conversation all the way home and I realized that the reason it bugged me so much was because I used to be like her. I would hear people talk about their kids and think to myself "I have much greater goals than that."

Sure, I still have goals, but they aren't separate from Ellie. I still aim to have a successful career that I enjoy one day, but it's not so that I can boast about my own success. I want to succeed so that I can provide a good life for her. And, no matter what I do in my life, I'm certain I'll never do anything more important than being her mom.

Some people really don't want children and that's their right, I hold no judgement for them. But, hearing the people at that wedding talk about having kids the same way that pre-baby me had thought of it was really eye opening. I realized how different I am now than I was on that October day when I learned that I had something much more life-changing than the stomach flu.

Everything looks different now, because it's not all about me anymore. Even the insignificant things have changed. For example, I used to hate Halloween, but I had so much fun celebrating it with her this year. And, instead of thinking of what I want for Christmas this year, I keep adding to the list of gifts I want to give to her.

And sometimes, when I think that maybe grad school wasn't the best idea, that maybe I should've stuck it out in the newsroom a little longer, I think of her and remember that it's not about me. What I'm working for is so much bigger than that.