Lesson #7: A new appreciation

Dead week has been rough on my study partner. 

Dead week has been a sleepy fog of research, final projects and middle of the night naps for me this semester.

Procrastinating used to work for me. I was a reporter, I'm used to working on a deadline. I even sort of prefer it. But, one of the many lessons I've learned this semester is that deadlines and babies don't mix. 

I started this semester in a similar fog, the kind that comes from having a new, sweet, tiny alarm clock wake you up every few hours (only every few hours if you're lucky). 

But, over the course of the semester, Ellie grew and I grew with her. She learned to sleep through the night and I learned how to function with a baby. We got in our groove, she learned to laugh and to roll and I learned when to expect her to nap and how to keep her entertained for short spurts of homework time. 

Then she grew again. And with that came the constant need to be entertained - by me. She wants to sit up by herself now but isn't able to just yet. Rolling seems to have lost its excitement. She wants to walk around the house a million times each day in my arms. She wants to interact with me constantly and it's so wonderful. But, as wonderful as that is, what isn't wonderful is writing a seminar paper at 4 a.m. or crawling into bed for a quick nap an hour before she wakes up. Obviously, dead week has taught me that I need a better time management plan. 

But, more importantly, this week and this semester as a whole have given me an entirely new level of appreciation for working moms and dads and my fellow students who also have kids at home.  I'm feeling so accomplished that I made it out of this semester without destroying my GPA or losing my mind. But, what I did really isn't anything all that special. So many do the same with so much more on their plates. 

I've learned more this semester than I have at any other time in my life. But, like I said in my first post, this class won't end at the end of the semester. Ellie will learn to sit up and crawl and walk and talk and someday, hopefully, I'll learn how to get us out of the house in under two hours. 

We have a lot left to learn. 

Lesson #6: So much to be thankful for

Ellie has given me a new reason to be thankful this holiday season. 

My house smells like pumpkin, but I'm not in a very festive mood. It's midnight and my Thanksgiving baking has just begun. It's not as easy to find time to cook with a squirmy 6-month-old in your arms. (It's really not easy to find time to accomplish anything with a 6-month-old in your arms, but I'm learning.) So, I'm doing my holiday cooking now that she's in bed. As I stick a loaf of pumpkin bread in the oven, I think about how I wish I could just go to bed too.

The pumpkin smell takes me back to last Thanksgiving. It was early in my pregnancy and that smell made me feel so sick. Life was quickly changing then and we had no idea what to expect. Ellie was about the size of a small peach this time last year. How much can change in one year!

We unpacked our Christmas decorations today and I found the tiny red and green stocking I hung for her around this time last year. I remember wondering what kind of stocking would take its place. At that early time in the pregnancy I was so scared there wouldn't be one at all. But, fast forward a year and a big, pink stocking hangs in that spot. And my healthy little peach is now closer to the size of the butterball we'll have tomorrow.

I always felt I had a lot to be thankful for on Thanksgivings in the past. I had my health, my work, my family and my fiancé. But, I've never had as much as I have this year. Every single day that she wakes up healthy I have another reason to be thankful. And when the family's Thanksgiving table grows by one high chair this holiday, I won't forget how blessed I am to have her here.

While midnight baking might not be my favorite, it's a small sacrifice to pay to have my own sweet turkey to celebrate with this holiday season. 

Lesson #5: Everything has changed

Ellie let me torture her with a little Halloween photoshoot. I used to hate that holiday, but I had so much fun celebrating it with her this year.

I had a moment recently that made me realize just how much having a baby has changed my world. It's difficult to explain the feeling to someone who hasn't experienced it and in attempting to do so, I realized just how much I've changed since Ellie's arrival. From the smallest things, such as family gatherings and holidays, to the way I prioritize and view my world, there is no part of my life that Ellie's presence has not altered.

I was attending a wedding of an old friend of ours a few weeks ago. I knew only the bride and groom. Because my fiance was in the wedding party, I was on my own for most of the ceremony and reception. I had left Ellie with my parents and found the wife of another groomsman to keep me company. This was my first time being so far from Ellie for such a long time. The woman had no children and I quickly realized that she was not at all interested in hearing me talk about mine. Fair enough, I thought, as I obsessively checked my phone for updates on my baby. I was careful not to talk about her too much.

Then, seemingly out of nowhere, the woman struck up a conversation with another guest at our table on the topic of having children. "Maybe I'm selfish," she said. "But I just think I have bigger priorities." He agreed and they laughed when they talked about how awful life must be for those poor people who are stuck taking care of children. I obviously wanted no part of the conversation and tried to hide in my phone. I was silently fuming when she turned to me and pulled me into their discussion. She said that she just couldn't imagine having to get herself and another person dressed in the mornings. Was that selfish of her, she asked. And, she pointed out, kids are a big commitment. yes, I told her, having a child is a huge, life-changing commitment. "Was it a commitment you actually wanted?" She asked me this in a sad, sympathetic sort of way, as if poor me had caught this terrible flu or something. In a kind of shock at this stranger's question, I stumbled over my words as I tried to put together a good response. I hadn't made it very far in before the two lost interest in my answer.

I thought about that conversation all the way home and I realized that the reason it bugged me so much was because I used to be like her. I would hear people talk about their kids and think to myself "I have much greater goals than that."

Sure, I still have goals, but they aren't separate from Ellie. I still aim to have a successful career that I enjoy one day, but it's not so that I can boast about my own success. I want to succeed so that I can provide a good life for her. And, no matter what I do in my life, I'm certain I'll never do anything more important than being her mom.

Some people really don't want children and that's their right, I hold no judgement for them. But, hearing the people at that wedding talk about having kids the same way that pre-baby me had thought of it was really eye opening. I realized how different I am now than I was on that October day when I learned that I had something much more life-changing than the stomach flu.

Everything looks different now, because it's not all about me anymore. Even the insignificant things have changed. For example, I used to hate Halloween, but I had so much fun celebrating it with her this year. And, instead of thinking of what I want for Christmas this year, I keep adding to the list of gifts I want to give to her.

And sometimes, when I think that maybe grad school wasn't the best idea, that maybe I should've stuck it out in the newsroom a little longer, I think of her and remember that it's not about me. What I'm working for is so much bigger than that.

Lesson #4: They do grow fast!

Ellie just hours after birth on May 29.

Ellie babbling away on Thursday, Oct. 23.

There's a pink box sitting in Ellie's closet that's quickly filling with baby clothes. The mix of pink and purple onesies and sleepers are much too small for my chunky girl now. Her newborn bathtub was packed away last weekend, and another pile of diapers has been outgrown.

I no longer have to nicely remind people "be sure to support her head" when they hold her, and she won't let me sit for hours rocking her in my arms (unless it's bedtime). My baby is growing.

I know she's only (almost) 5 months old, but it's amazing how much and how quickly she has already grown and changed. It was just yesterday that the slightest smile from her was cause for a Facebook post and a phone call to my mom, but now she smiles several times each day.

She's babbling and laughing and holding her head up now, and her size 3-month clothes that it seems she just grew into got packed away last week.

She doesn't have time to hang out in my arms all day, she wants to roll and stretch and try so hard to crawl (it looks more like "swimming" on the blanket right now).

While I know we're only 5 months in, and we've got a lot of growing and changing left, it's hard to believe that we're already here.

I might miss the newborn snuggles, but I also love her new abilities and the personality that appears to have come with them. It seems she learns something new and outgrows something new each day. And as she learns and grows, I am too. When I'm rocking her to sleep at midnight and I just want to go to bed, I try to remember that there will be a day when she won't need me to do this anymore, and I squeeze her a little tighter.

I'm learning to appreciate the moment. And I'm trying to remember that lesson every single day.

Lesson #3: People aren't so bad

Ellie passed out after a day of socializing at her first wedding. 

I’m not the most outgoing person you’ll ever meet. While working as a journalist, sure, I talked to a lot of strangers. But, when I’m not wearing my journalist hat, I’m not one to strike up a conversation with a stranger unless I have a pretty good reason. This is something Ellie is teaching me I’m going to have to change. Because, as anyone who has been around babies or small children in public has seen, they haven’t learned to keep to themselves yet.

Ellie will be five-months-old in about a week, and she seems to be learning new sounds and pitches every day. She likes to make her presence known, no matter where she is or who she’s around. She’s got smiling down and she has the sweetest giggle. She’s also pretty outgoing. She’ll give up a smile for anybody and it doesn’t matter if she’s never met you before, if you make the right goofy face, she’ll even give you a giggle.

She went to a wedding and a rehearsal dinner the last two weekends in a row, and at both she spread her wings and socialized as well as anyone could. It didn’t matter that she hadn’t met 99% of the people at both events, or that nearly every guest at wedding #1 had a turn in holding her, she was just fine. In fact, she was better than fine. She smiled, she laughed, she cooed, and she passed out hard at the end of the day. I, meanwhile, was a nervous wreck. How would she react to all of these new people? And what about at wedding #2, where I knew only a handful of people?

I was a shy kid and as an adult, I’ve continued my practice of keeping to myself in situations where I don’t know people. Ellie, meanwhile, will engage with strangers and has no problem smiling or cooing at a complete stranger. Sure, she’s only four-months-old, this could change. But, I hope it doesn’t. I hope she always has this outgoing personality and never loses the innocence that allows her to so easily interact with anyone. (Obviously she’ll be taught about strangers when she gets older, but I think you know what I mean here.)

Ellie is teaching me to be more outgoing, to give people a chance and that offering a smile to a stranger isn’t such a bad idea. And as far as making conversation with strangers in public, she’s really given me no choice, a sweet baby is a people magnet!

Lesson #2: It's the small things

Ellie smiles big for her four month picture. She gave us her first big laugh the next day. 

After weeks of sleeping through the night and following a pretty regular sleep schedule, Ellie has recently decided she doesn't need sleep. At least, not without hours of rocking, walking, bouncing, repeat several times before she gives in.

It was 12:30 a.m. on a Wednesday and our girl was still wide awake. Her Dad and I had both had long days and were ready to go to sleep, but she had other plans. After hours of trying to get her to sleep, she finally seemed to be getting close. Then, I tried to change her diaper. Her eyes shot open again and boom, away she went across the living room floor showing off her new rolling skills. It was play time.

She's four months old, she doesn't know better, but still we were frustrated. Really frustrated. The kind of frustrated that turns to bickering between tired parents about what to do next. Exhausted, I picked her up in my lap and sat down in the rocking chair.

I don't remember exactly what I said to her, but she must have thought it was hilarious. Because, right there, in the middle of an exhausting, sleepless night, she gave us the best, most melt-your-heart laugh we'd ever heard. She'd been doing this tiny little Sheldon Cooper-style giggle occasionally, but never real laughter. This was new.

She smiled huge, threw her little head back (sort of) and let out a loud, gaspy belly laugh. She kept it up until we had tears from our own laughter. And just like that, it was difficult to remember why we were so frustrated in the first place.

Ellie reminds us of this lesson often. That no matter how tired, stressed or frustrated we are, we have the best distraction and the biggest reason to smile.

Ellie fell asleep shortly after that, and she slept all night long.

Lesson #1: Rules are made to be broken

Ellie lounges in her bouncer seat while she watches some football. 

I had just started making dinner when the crying began. Ellie, watching me from her bouncer seat, wasn’t interested in cooking. I tried stalling her with the usual tricks, but she wasn’t buying them. As the crying grew louder and the dinner started to burn on the stove, I got desperate.

In my moment of desperation, and what was certainly not one of my finer parenting moments, I scooped her up, bouncer seat and all, and sat her down on the living room floor directly in front of the TV. The Chiefs game was on and immediately, Ellie was hooked. The crying stopped, her eyes got wide and she zoned in. I know screen time for young children, especially babies her age, is strongly discouraged. I swore I’d never do it. (For the record, her TV time ended after just a few minutes.)

But, as I finished cooking dinner to the sound of her cooing at Peyton Manning, I was once again reminded how difficult it is to follow all the “rules” of parenting. With being a new parent comes a load of unsolicited advice, as well as a long list of recommendations from more parenting organizations than I can name. 

While the lists of recommendations can be overwhelming and sometimes silly, I studied them religiously before she was born. I’m big on following the rules. I like to be prepared and I hate feeling that I’m doing something wrong. So, when I found out I was pregnant, I went straight from the doctor’s office to the bookstore. I read the baby books and the blogs. I installed five different baby apps on my phone. I joined the new mom forums online. I prepared.

But, as I quickly learned, there is no way to really prepare yourself for parenthood. Because, even though you’ve read the recommended safe sleep practices a dozen times, eventually, you’re going to sit down in the recliner at 1 a.m. with your newborn who absolutely refuses to sleep anywhere but in your arms, then you’ll wake in a panic when the sun’s coming up. Sure, it’s not recommended, but it will happen.

When I was pregnant, I probably drove everyone nuts. “I’ll never be one of those moms,” I’d say. “Those moms” who fall asleep holding their baby, or whose infant is still sleeping in mom’s room months later. But, it didn’t take long until all the “I’ll nevers” I uttered in my ignorant, pre-baby days quickly began to fall away. 

I have fallen asleep holding her, on more than one occasion. And you know what? She’s almost four months old and just moved into her own crib in her own room a couple of weeks ago. And it wasn’t because I’ve mastered baby’s sleeping patterns or for any other great parenting reason. I would’ve kept her next to my bed and fallen asleep to the sound of her baby snores forever if I could have. It was simply that she physically outgrew her bassinet.

There are so many other “rules,”  even minute details, that in my ignorance I swore I’d always follow, but I haven’t. Because, as I’m learning, being a new parent means making up the rules as you go. What works one day might not work the next, and no matter how hard you try, you’re going to mess up. But, at the end of the day, my baby is happy, my baby is healthy, my baby is fed and I have done all I can. My parenting may be a work in progress and I often fall short of the millions of recommendations I’m trying to follow. But I wake to a smiling baby most mornings and I snuggle up to a sweet, chubby girl when I rock her to sleep at night. So while I’ve broken many of the “rules,” I guess I’m doing something right.